Monday, July 5, 2010

No names

This is for sure my funniest ever experience with a drunk person.

While sick in bed with flu I received a call from a guy (no names here) , lets call him the 'selfish drunk friend' .
To inform me that he had called an ambulance for my close friend , lets call her 'drunken boots', apparently she would not stop getting sick and he refused to stay up with her.

I immediately ate the head off him as it is at least $500 in NY not to mention the price of staying in hospital.
I jumped in a cab in the hope of getting there before them,

Well , no such luck, I arrived just as they were wheeling 'drunken boots' out strapped down in the wheelchair, her head hanging with her lovely soiled hair stuck to the side of her face with vomit. She actually looked very peaceful in her slumber , angelic even. this state was not to be lasting. Unfortunately .

At this stage nothing was seeming the least bit humorous , 'selfish drunk friend' was desperately trying to make excuses for himself as I begged the 2 very nice paramedics NOT to take 'drunken boots ' to the hospital. The refused to comply.

Well I shook 'drunken boots' and whispered vicious threats into her ears warning that if she did not open her eyes this very second I would kick her feckin ass sooooo hard.
To no avail she was like sleeping beauty.
I cursed the head of 'selfish drunk friend' through the doors as they strapped her to the bed and began to drive away.
Now for some strange reason , I do not know if it was the siren or motion , but the blackout was over.
'Drunken boots ' was awake.
As the eyes popped open a wave of fury crossed over her face , she seemed to be unappreciative of the concern of the paramedics gentle words of concern, and made it very clear that being strapped down was not to her liking.

Kicking and screaming bloddy murder , it became clear that an immediate escape was planned.
This lovely paramedic , through concern for all 3 of us tried with all his might to secure the seemingly possessed girl . However the straps were no match for 'drunken boots' . Containment may have being more controlled if it had not being for the 4 inch heels , they were like concrete weapons flying at such furious force that we had to back away for our own safety.

At this stage the ambulance had come to a halt and the second paramedic was opening the doors in the hope that between the 3 of us we might be able to settle her down.
Suddenly a wave of silence came over 'drunken boots' , her arms relaxed, face softened and the legs collapsed . Thank God.
What a relief , we made it to the hospital safely.
When we arrived at the emergency room it was very quiet , apart from the sound of heart monitors. It was a large room with a desk in the center of ten to fifteen beds each enclosed with a privacy curtain.
I helped the nurse to remove her clothes as she slept and put her in a blue smock that was open in the back only held together with string. We were mostly successful until we got to the boots.
After a few attempts to ward us off with kicks and snarls we decided to let her keep the boots on. She was happy about this and closed her eyes again with a sweet smile on her face. This was a huge relief for me as even in my weakened state I was becoming mortified and very angered.
At this stage I was invited into an office to fill out paperwork . I was facing the clerk trying to think of a made up name so my friend would not get a huge hospital bill she could not afford when something happened.
I watched as the clerks face dropped , she asked, "is that your friend"?
oh oh , did she know I was lying on the form?
Turns out that was not it, she rose to her feet her mouth open in confused awe pointing behind me, she said again , "I think your friend is trying to escape from the emergency room"
I quickly turned my tired head to see through the huge glass wall behind me.
Sure enough, there she was.... running for the door , two male nurses after her, no clothes on , just the blue smock and of coarse, the boots.
It still amazes me to this day that she was able to pick up such good speed with those 4 inch heels.
I just spat out laughing.
I can honestly say that at that moment I knew that regardless of the bruises and the embarrassment all was forgiven.
However I turned back to the clerk and asked for the paperwork back , she deserved a bill for this.


" worth it "

I spent the night in my friend Thelma's house while on a trip home from NYC.
We drank 3 bottles of red wine and I am not sure, but have being told that we moved to a bottle of whiskey.
I felt like a total waster when her husband got up for work and began getting their 2 children ready for school.
My head sank in shame as I tried to keep my black wine stained teeth covered.

After about a 2 hr sleep my mother came to pick me up to take me home.
I struggled up the stairs to apologize for her terrible hangover. My head pounding with every step .

She was lying on the bed facing the ceiling arms outstretched with a bucked beside the bed .
I delicately sat at the corner of the bed and sheepishly inquired "are you dying" ?, expecting a determined promise of abstinence for eternity.
Instead without opening her eyes or moving she groaned in a hoarse voice " yeah, but it was worth it'

Love you Thelma, it did slightly soften the level of shame, although laughing hurt.